Illusion's Liar: Diary #2

Monday, 4 July 2016

Diary #2

So,its being a while.
I managed to upload the others tags like music & fics but not the diary one.
It was an error.
I think that keeping a diary,among all the other things im puttin in here,is the most important thing.
I thought that was writing,setting my imagination free like i used to do.
But i was wrong.
My mind goes too wild,everyday.
I spend too much time by myself and not for my fault.
Fault.
I think this whole diary entry is about 'fault'.
I writing without a list so i dont know what the hell will be in it or how it will sounds at the end of it.
Im here again writing because i collected another deep scar on my heart.
I think i never felt so bad.
Nor when my previous best friend made me mad the day i left the hospital after being there for 4 fucking days with my face half open.
Nor when i had to give up on my dream studies/job after giving all my best for two years,with a car crash on my shoulders,losing all my friends.
Nor when i cut with my previous best friend.
Nor when i cut with another important friend,one the 2 that helped me leaving a toxic situation.
Nor when i was violentily sick for an unknown reason and had no one at my side except for my poor parents.
Nor when i lost my beloved auntie,nearly a month ago.
I never felt so bad.
Never.
Never in my life.
Being crashed by a car was nothing.
I dunno why i broke so badly.
But it hurted like it never happened.
And i came from a person that i didnt know was able to hurt me that much.
But,like i said,it's my fault.
As it was.
As usual.
As it will always be.
I wont go in details,because what i feel now is a pure and unnamed feeling.
I dont understand if it has a good or a bad shade.
I dont know.
Maybe one day ill know.
But i wont go in details because i feel like it doesnt deserve it.
Thats what i feel.
My words are meaningless.
I felt safe,in a certain way,in those months.
Now i dont anymore.
So maybe my mouth wont seems shut but my heart,my soul for sure,is.
I know my words or my behaviours looks stupid and stubborn,but i dont care.
I wont degrates them just because at someone else they look like that.
I wont.
Since it seems to always be my fault,that im always the rotten part of every relationship,ill do that.
Since my mental illness is true just when OTHERS say so,ill do that.
This bring me to find new ways to 'vent' my passions and thoughts.
Ill no longer pester this person with 'my' photos or links etc but ill try to put everything here,creating specific diary entries: those entries will probably be not long,of course,but they'll still help me (or i hope so).
The most important will probably be the 'Sobi corner',since their a huge part of my life and routine: ill try to link artists' medias if i post a fanart or (probably rarer) a fic; it wont be only about them as a ship since i cant do 200 different diaries so this will be a generic corner about Hoseok,Yoongi & their ship.
I searched for a blogger app to be able to post easily on mobile since i cant open my pc for every damn thing i want to comment,but i failed miserably so ill try to upload by phone and see what happens.
I think i said enough for today.
Two days ago was Viper's bday and of course i forgot to post something on ig and/or to write this following prompt on that day,since i decided to do it as her bday party,but as you can see i failed on that too.

So breaf summary: