Diary #5

  

         

Here we are again,
I thought it was time to write another entry for my basic diary.
I didnt realized that i post 1 personal entry a month.
Wow.
An intense month passed,a lots of things happens.
I think im in 'emotional' pause as a writer: writing 'Companion' kinda drained me since i waited so much to write it,i felt deep emotions in the creation period,weeks and weeks before writing it that now i feel like a mother that gave birth and shes trying to pull herself back together.
I wrote a lots on the other challenge too,even if it gave me hard times....i wanted to give up.
On yoonseok tags there are so many writer,even shittier than me with fans and im like '.......b-but my stories are originals....i-i dont write always the same fucking situations or plot i....'
So i had a couple (?) of days were i really wanted to give up on everything: who the fuck reads me anyway? I just post here and i link my shit to 3 poor ppl and no one else!!
Than i tried to post my 2 beloved 'series' on tumblr: i received like...2 notes on one and...1 on the other; totally a punch in the guts.
I deleted them from tumblr bc i was too pissed off.
Days later i tried on asianfanfic and strangely someone showed interest in my shit.
So here i am,posting what i can here on the blog to then receive a copy fixed by my betas and then posted on an actual fics platform.
But i still feel shitty.
I met the actual psychiatrist that will follow me in my recovery journey from bpd, with privates and groups therapy.
She incrediby nice and i felt very well with her and im glad of it.
She also doesnt cost much: i came from a simple psychologist and that person asked me 80 euros (nearly 100$) every time and i had to go to h** like 1-2 times a week.
Poor madness.
While this psychiatrist that i have to see twice privately and twice as group therapy costs only 50 euros the first and 35 the second (more or less (60$ & 40$); the total per months with this journey is like a week or 2 with the other doctor,but 100000 times more effective since its specific for my illness and not meanless talking.
I started with meds too,i think 2 weeks ago or so and i slowly feeling better.
Ah! The kind doctor told me that i have to write 'emotions' diary' as part of my 'homeworks' but yo, Gentle Lady, im already do it;its this one yo yo x)
She explained me that i dont have to write what happened to me during the day but that it has to be a way to vent my boiling emotions,since i cant talk of them with no one else.
I think that its what im already doing on this blog,but i write events too but she doesn't care that much, i just have to vent writing,according to her,even because she said that i have to keep a material diary and not a virtual one but i had traumas with paper diaries so...nope ma'am,ill keep with my Illusion's Liar and goodbye.
Of course i explained it to her and she kindly let me write where i want, the important is that i do it.
I explained her that i have problems writing in my first language too but she kinkly said,again, that it isnt a problem bc if i want to show it to her or read it to her she understand english.
So...a lots of improvement under my mental health side.
Less improvement on my physical one...
I had another exam to do and i still dont know wtf i have,but my scretch marks are still red af and a few of them are starting to have bruises on and around them and i dont know wtf do or wtf is happening.
We are all tired in my family about this.
I'm too fat to living peacefully and im so so so tired.
I dont neither understand all those visitors from Russia on my blog o_o
wtf dudes?
dafuq are u doing on my blog that i neither spam it?
There are like....147 visits only in July,dafuq?
Tv shows upd8: i nearly finished Sailor Moon's 90s anime so i'll finALLY GET THE LAST BADGE I NEED ON TVSHOW TIME AND ILL BE ABLE TO WATCH NEW STUFF!!!!!
I had that fucking anime in my watching list from 2 years and i only watched 57 episodes in all that period,but i want that badge too badly; its the only one that i dont have.
So now in 3-4 weeks i watched 119 episodes and i only need to watch 23 more to finish!!!!!!!!
I discovered that i like certain Snow filtres too.
So now my poor ig has selcas on it too.
Im uploading ig very often in this period,i found the perf fast edit solution to have a cute aestetic and not taking too long to upd8 photos,even if i want to post more then 1
I gave up on ig for a long time since keeping my pastelish aestetic took too much time and posting a photo 'on moment' was impossible.
Now it takes me a few sec to apply the filter that i use to pastelish the photos and applies other small things ♥ i dont know how i paid 2 sets of Gudetama' stickers on line so now i have them too :'''D
Eeeer i think its enough...probably i have to write down the plots for 2 very distant prompts on the first challenge before i forgot.
mh.
ya.

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