I didnt realized that writing so much,back in high school,was actually a way to canalize my wrath and keep my mind in peace.
I used to write lots of ffs in my main language bc i wasnt satisfated with the others online so,since i used to role basically everyday,i started writing.
I enjoyed it for all the time it lasted even bc i felt admired since khr was kinda popural here too.
Writing was always something i really loved to do: create worlds,stories etc.
Leaving khr behind and my countrys fandom kinda ruined me.
I mean...leaving fb and using tumblr as my main social media made me slowly abbandon my first language so even with my ex roleplay partner we used to do it in english,but until it was with her i hadnt problems since if i had make mistakes i wouldnt feel embrassed.
Im sure im making tons of mistakes now too but i dont care,i need to vent somewhere i write freerly since i dont have someone with which talk about it.
So,'living' in a world where fandoms are 'strictly' in english made my fears biggers making me stop writing.
This wasnt a problem until i had a roleplay partner,my fantasy could vent with her but not my anger/all other BPD strong feelings issues.
Now im all alone.
Still in a 'world' of strictly english fandoms.
Plus,during my school life,according to a speech therapist,i developed a strong repulsion towards my first language.
This makes things even harder bc i feel,a few days more then others,that i need to start writing again.
Im not satisfated with ffs in my current fandom from years but,unlike when i was a teen,i cant 'vent' my feels/feelings bc i totally deteste my language plus my english really embrass me even if girls around the world told me that i was perfectly understable and that i didnt have to worry.
I still worry.
I worry a lot.
I tried to write a oneshot too.
I like to write veeeery short sentences but since i used/i tend to become very deep and poetic,it become a srsly colossal problem: it seems that 'transalting' my toughts in english or thinking directly in english doesnt able me to be the deep/poetic shit i am.
What to do now?
I graduated yesterday from a private school of herbal medicine.
Today is my first 'free' day.
Last week i decided to read (after 3-4 years omfg <////3) the hugest long-fic i ever created.
I created such a beautiful & detailed world.
I forgot how happy it makes me to 'be' there.
Unfortunatly i cant continuing it.
I forgot all the plot twists,all the sides/love stories,the misterious characters,all the backgrounds of characters i was keeping only half showed to tease the readers.
I lost the original world file.
The were TWO WHOLE CHAPTERS UNPUBLISHED bc i prefered to have at least 2 ready chapters before to publish one.
The were all my notes for the others chaps after the 2 already written.
I lost the poor notebook were all the previous things were (plots,backgrounds,developments etc).
In the end: i dont have a whole shit that can make me continue it.
And...omg all the porn.
How i could write all that porn?
IN MY FIRST LANGUAGE.
HOW FUCKING EMBRASSING OMFG.
I cant imagine writing porn now.
Oooh nonono.
Why i was uninhibitedat 18-19 and now im such a shy puritan?
Holy ghost wtf happened to me.
I read porn,for fucks sake,but....how the hell it embrass me so much now?
Thats another huge problem to solve.
Im re-starting this blog bc i want to acquire confidence in my english-writing-skill and vent my very tiring anger explosions.
I re-found an old writing challenge that i started back in the khr fandom that i wrote only the first chap: ill write a new first one and going on with the other promps.
There are no conditions so im totally free to write how much i like,not worrying if it has to be a drabble,a oneshot etc.
Now the matter is: will i be brave enough to write my otps freerly? (my first fear is about sobi omfg its so strange to me to write about idols but i luv the so fucking much nnnnh t-t)
I hope yes.
I wont spam this blog around social medias,so this is more a 'dear future kali,here some shit you can read bro'.
I can do it.
I can fight BPD with writing.
No one is here to judge me or what i do.
Im here to help myself.
In september ill start my real therapy for BPD and ill have the meds i need plus group therapy.
Until that (and i hope futhermore) ill help myself in the way i used to.
Writing challange promps:
× k a l i ×
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